and I really appreciate your words :-)
Ok, I have to revise my above comment about the snare... (when i wrote it, I only compared only few seconds in the middle of the mix A to B ... I should look at the raw multi-track again... was it a snare and a clap? ;-) )
so now I think the snare /clap changes well over time. Sometimes more dry, sometimes wet... I like it.
Furthermore I noticed one mistake on my track (by me): I wanted to have an alternating snare with one short and one long decay... but not all the time... some parts should have consistent decays^^
Anyhow, I still really like it, it sounds great, but it should get a lot more intense towards the end (or continuously increase, see page 120, if you own the book)
so... one idea I have in mind is to make it more "dirty" (e.g. distortion) during the time. (I guess it's more an arrangement- than a mixing-question)
And after listening it like 1000 times now i start to hate the beginning^^ (also more an arrangement than a mixing-question) maybe it should fade in softly etc...
hope this helps (though I criticized more my own multi-track than your mix)
oh and please excuse my bad English